I am up at 6 A.M. on my own, which is never really a good sign.
I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been up on and off since 3 A.M. And I’m a mess. I think this is the worst it’s been so far. I attribute it to lack of sleep, because usually I can compose my feelings quite well. I thought writing would help because it usually does, but I don’t think it’s working right now.
Actually, I debated whether or not to post this because I didn’t want you to worry. I’ll probably be fine in a few hours, and hopefully I can get an hour or two of sleep after I’m done writing. But then again, I didn’t want this writing project to be… misleading? I should be candid. And if Day 16 didn’t start out so well, it shouldn’t be something I should hide.
I’m half tempted to run downstairs and get your shirt where it’s been hiding, but I still have a long way to go until you get back. I might have worse days.
On the bright side, that must be a good sign that I can still resist the temptation. But it certainly doesn’t make me feel better right now.
I’m going to try and go back to sleep now. I need sweet dreams.
Edit: I feel better now. Tired, but better. I did need those few extra hours of sleep.
Edit #2: Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all to hold back on the tears this morning. I was so close. And maybe it was what I needed more than anything.
Sometimes, I think I just need a good cry. Get it out of my system.
I think I am overdue one good cry at this point. I’ve been trying so hard to keep it in lately and I don’t think it’s helping. It’s been building up. I can feel it all day.
I feel a heaviness in my chest that just won’t go away.
I’m on a bus on the way to the city right now. It’s a shame that I don’t allow myself tears in public. It’ll have to wait until I get home.
Or maybe I’ll forget about this need. Maybe my friends will be enough of a temporary distraction. Maybe my day will still brighten up.